What goes through my head when I shop for toys for my cat.

A stupid list.

Asshole foods that don't feel like they're bad for you, but they're totally bad for you.

• Muffins What the fuck is up with that? They're light and fluffy and there's no icing on them and they're still 400 calories. Fuck that delicious lemon poppyseed mess.
• Bagels Why do you have so many fucking carbs, bagels? you're so good with stinky fish.
• Peanut Butter I could eat you until I die. You taste like kindergarten.
• Gummy bears you're not even like food. But you are.

Jerks.

My neighbor's house, like ours, has a really nice second-story porch.
My neighbor, unlike me, has a trumped.
I wouldn't say, "he plays the trumpet," but he definitely owns a trumpet.
He's utilizing¹ said trumpet currently.



1. People often misuse "utilize" as a synonym for "use." However, utilize actually means using something for a purpose other than it's main purpose. e.g., I use a fork to eat; I utilize a fork to comb my hair. Don't say I never taught you anything.

Categories on Jeopardy that I would totally sweep:

• Greek Mythology at the 5th grade level
• Things your cat might say
• Calories in...
• Symptoms of diseases you are unlikely to have
• F words.